You mayn't believe this, but something most similar happened to your old
Colonel some fifteen years ago. We, a friend and I, found ourselves at a
local Chink eatery in late afternoon, where I ordered the Kung Pao beef
plate, a spicy stir-fry dish made with chicken, peanuts, vegetables, and
super-hawt chili peppers. I perhaps committed an injudicious snafu
when I advised our waitress to make it “hotter 'n a freshly fucked fox
in a forest fire,” though not necessary in such an accursed way. To
which she politely replied, "Kung Pao? It's already hot."
"You can't make it hot enough for me," I admonished, and told her to
pass along my advice to the kitchen.
An hour or so later found us camped out at a nearby tavern. That's when
it hit me. Thinking it only gas, I let one rip. . . . Oh, gawd
almighty, it was a fusking wet one.* That boggy sensation was
unmistakable; I had really fouled myself. I made a bee line for the
shitter, in the rear of the bar just behind the pool table. I just
couldn't stop going and going and going! Several times an incautious
soul tried entry, then hastily evacuated. The atmosphere hung like a
thick, feculent pall throughout.
Outside the shithouse a froup of patrons had assembled, apparently much
entertained by me, while at the same time horrified by the terrific odor
within, which escaped whenever the door was carelessly opened by some
unsuspecting patron.
My underpants were, obviously, a done deal, so I slipped 'em off between
shits and left 'em hanging, as a joke, on the toilet handle. Someone,
probably the owner, would deal with ‘em later. I laughed to myself a
little considering the folks who would be morally shocked and
terrifically horrified at the sight. Then I got the fuck outa there.
Needless to say, I have not had the courage to return to that particular
tavern since.
The End ;-)
*A wet fart is not in fact wet. Rather, the condition is caused by the
sphincter muscle rippling at something approximating 4x the speed of
sound. This catastrophic disruption to one’s anus causes what is known
in the medical profession as “nerve confusion.” Basically nerves around
the anus are completely shocked by said calamitous flatulence, and they
immediately begin searching for the appropriate response to send to the
brain. Pain receptors, which have been temporarily traumatized, are
certainly of no use; so the nerves’ reaction is either a pleasant
anesthetic tingling, or, as in 90% of these instances, a definite
sensation or feeling of wetness.
Any questions?
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